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It is truly amazing what a week in the hospital can do to a mother's soul. Watching our little warrior fight this brave battle was the hardest thing I've ever done. The physical pain he would experience I anticipated, but not the emotional trauma. Shadrach shut down emotionally the second night after surgery. He refused to nurse for four days, which is his main source of comfort. He was overmedicated and reacted very negatively to his pain medicine, becoming agitated when even we would look him in his eyes. I'm so glad those days are past now. He is getting back to his darling self and mostly trusts me again. I'd like to reflect back a little.

A friend emailed me before surgery. She said to remember God is good, in control, and loving. I needed to cling to these truths. In the darkest nights, holding my terrified child, I stood on these rocks as the waves of suffering washed over him, then me. And when I slipped and gave in to worry and anger, "peace, be still," He whispered. And I would confess,"Lord, I don't like these gifts. Forgive me for not trusting you." And His Word brought comfort. David pleaded, hide me in the shadow of your wings...you are my strong tower, refuge...

One early morning in the dim light I prayed, "Lord, give me a word from you," as I flipped open the Bible. I soon read that He keeps my eyelids open. (Psalm 77:4) A loving and funny Father He is. Amen to that verse! Yet as I reflect from home now on all of Psalm 77, the psalmist and I walked similar paths. He was deeply troubled, his soul refusing to be comforted. He struggled to trust when God seemed silent. But then he reminded himself of God's mighty works, and recounted his wonders. And he trusted again.

Toward the end of Shadrach's stay, I was challenged to think on waiting on the Lord. "Be still..." I don't do still well, not with our vivacious household. But He is teaching me. 

He is the God who binds up the broken-hearted. He is also the God who allows dreams and nightmares to come true. And shows you the way out. Like the Dawn Treader at the Island Where Dreams Come True. "Courage, dear heart," Aslan whispers to our hearts when we call to Him for help.

Andrew Peterson's album, The Burning Edge of Dawn was a huge comfort to me in the dark, long nights. " When the rain keeps falling, hope waits in the dark. And again I say, rejoice.