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It is truly amazing what a week in the hospital can do to a mother's soul. Watching our little warrior fight this brave battle was the hardest thing I've ever done. The physical pain he would experience I anticipated, but not the emotional trauma. Shadrach shut down emotionally the second night after surgery. He refused to nurse for four days, which is his main source of comfort. He was overmedicated and reacted very negatively to his pain medicine, becoming agitated when even we would look him in his eyes. I'm so glad those days are past now. He is getting back to his darling self and mostly trusts me again. I'd like to reflect back a little.

A friend emailed me before surgery. She said to remember God is good, in control, and loving. I needed to cling to these truths. In the darkest nights, holding my terrified child, I stood on these rocks as the waves of suffering washed over him, then me. And when I slipped and gave in to worry and anger, "peace, be still," He whispered. And I would confess,"Lord, I don't like these gifts. Forgive me for not trusting you." And His Word brought comfort. David pleaded, hide me in the shadow of your wings...you are my strong tower, refuge...

One early morning in the dim light I prayed, "Lord, give me a word from you," as I flipped open the Bible. I soon read that He keeps my eyelids open. (Psalm 77:4) A loving and funny Father He is. Amen to that verse! Yet as I reflect from home now on all of Psalm 77, the psalmist and I walked similar paths. He was deeply troubled, his soul refusing to be comforted. He struggled to trust when God seemed silent. But then he reminded himself of God's mighty works, and recounted his wonders. And he trusted again.

Toward the end of Shadrach's stay, I was challenged to think on waiting on the Lord. "Be still..." I don't do still well, not with our vivacious household. But He is teaching me. 

He is the God who binds up the broken-hearted. He is also the God who allows dreams and nightmares to come true. And shows you the way out. Like the Dawn Treader at the Island Where Dreams Come True. "Courage, dear heart," Aslan whispers to our hearts when we call to Him for help.

Andrew Peterson's album, The Burning Edge of Dawn was a huge comfort to me in the dark, long nights. " When the rain keeps falling, hope waits in the dark. And again I say, rejoice.

More Comes Out!

Little boy is doing really well. ❤️ He had a big morning, getting his pacing wires removed. They were electric wires left attached to his heart and sutured to his belly. The nurse literally tugged on his heart to release them. Yikes! They were left in place in case the main nerve of the heart was damaged unknowingly (it is invisible). No signs of any damage as they monitor his heart rhythm so far, two hours of intensive monitoring to go. If all is good, IV comes out this afternoon. Last big hurdle is starting to nurse and eat again. Can't believe we are this far on his journey already. God's steadfast love sustains his heart!!

Cardiac Ward 23B

Already out of PICU, amazing!

PICU Warrior!

Shaddie' been extubated and had his chest tube drains removed, praise God. Doing an X-ray soon to make sure no lung issues from that. Had a rough time for awhile breathing in the night, but he's doing better! 

Shadrach's Big Day

Tomorrow we are scheduled to take Shadrach to Starship Hospital for open heart surgery to repair his Tetralogy of Fallot. Amazingly, he has a mild version of it. The surgeon we met today was encouraging and gave us a clear idea of what his heart looks like. We feel like we understand it much better now. He will need a Dacron patch between his ventricles to seal a 1cm hole there (VSD). The heart tissue will then grow over the patch as he ages until all that is seen is some white scar tissue. He also needs some muscle thickness removed from the Right Ventricle, which is impeding the anatomy working correctly. Once cut she said like a rubber band springs when cut, the heart muscle will spring back hopefully into good working order. The operation will tentatively start around 12:30 and last approximately 5 hours.

We still long for Shadrach to be healed without surgery. We know God is able. We know He loves us, is in control, and that He is good. Tomorrow we will find out His good plan for our baby. We are eager to see his heart well and God is our refuge and strength. He has given us peace as long as our eyes are on Him. Preaching truth to ourselves and dear sisters and brothers in Christ praying for us is how He is sustaining us. Anxiety accomplishes nothing worthwhile, so we preach truth to ourselves. We know that He gives good gifts.  And that if His children ask for something good he doesn't give them something harmful.  So we know that what ever happens tomorrow is for Shadrach's good, and the LORD's glory.  We don't see all paths and that is a good thing.  So we walk by faith with great Hope, for we have the God who is Able, and who rules over all things.  All things are from Him and through Him, and to Him.  To Him be the Glory!

We are so grateful to get to have Shaddie with us at "home" tonight. He's had a happy night with some blueberries and a bath. We head tomorrow at 8:30 to check back in on the cardiac ward. 

"Our soul waits for the LORD; He is our help and our shield. For our heart is glad in Him, because we trust in His holy name. Let your steadfast love, O LORD, be upon us, even as we hope in you." Psalm 33:20-22

Good night! 

Our Rock

God is teaching me daily what it is to truly trust and rest in Him, and I am so thankful. I’ve read so much lately of His shelter, refuge and keeping of us. He is our rock and shield. He is good and rewards those who seek Him. He is our Comforter. He gives us peace as we keep our eyes on Him. When we draw near to Him, He draws near to us. He gives us all things we need for life and godliness. He commands us not to fear for He is with us. 

This God—his way is perfect; 
 the word of the Lord proves true;
 he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him.

For who is God, but the Lord?
 And who is a rock, except our God? Psalm 18:30-31

A New Shupe!

We are in love! Welcome little Shadrach! Our little champ is getting lots of cuddles. 

Ronald McDonald House Fun

The RMH was a wonderful place to stay in Auckland. It is set up a lot like a hotel with a large shared kitchen, play room, common area and playground. We also got a tour of the cardiac ward at Starship Children’s Hospital, where Baby May need surgery around 4-9 months.